There was a time where I became very rebellious and full of hate in my walk with Christ. I felt rejected and disliked. I felt unhelpful and confused. I questioned God and His motives, His plans, His decisions for my life and questioned the people that I had around me. I thought I was right. I thought I was being the perfect Child of God and I wasn’t.
I attended a prayer session at sisters house with a couple more people of our church. I prayed the same repeated prayer as always and again, I questioned God. That day, God spoke to me in a form I never thought He would speak to me. Him and I had an actual conversation but the conversation translated into poetry. After our poetic conversation, I got up, asked my mother for a piece of paper and a pen and just began writing everything that was said. The conversation was in Spanish and pretty lengthy, but I want to share just a part of it with you today (for those that can read Spanish).
Yo: Asi como me he levantado, también me he caídoMuchas veces creí que Dios lo hizoMi ministerio tirado por el pisoCon la mente confundida por lo que Dios supuestamente queríaYo no entendía porque Dios lo permitía.Dios: No fui Yo quien lo hizoYo trate de evitarloPero no me hiciste caso.Yo: Mi familia me criticabaY los hermanos de la Iglesia no me ayudabanSe creían mas perfectosDe lo que yo andaba.Dios: Hija, el asunto no fue asíA mi tu me rechazasteY a los que con quien te permití compartirTambién hechasteNo querías ayudaPensabas que lo podías hacer sola.Yo: Me equivoquePensé que Tu me amabasY que conmigo Tu andabasNo te veo no te sientoEs verdad que los sabes todo?Entonces, porque te hechaste a descansarMientras yo a ti clamabaPidiéndote que del mundo me apartaras.Dios: Si, es verdad que te arrodillabasPero donde estaba tu corazón mientras orabas?Y esoS sueños que te daba, eran como si nadaYo a ti te amoPero no te puedo restaurarSi tu corazón no me deja entrarEstas dura y rebeldeNo fue así que quería verteNo haces Mi voluntad aSolo lo que te conviene.
I will cut it short right there, but for those that are not Spanish speakers or readers, let me quickly explain what the poem states…
Here I am having a conversation with God questioning His love and existence for me. I complain about the people surrounding me, assume they think they are better than me, and assume that the reason why I am feeling this way is because God allowed it. But God responds back to me saying that He has tried to help me and I refused the help from Him and from those around me. Towards the end, He acknowledges that yes, I use to kneel down to pray, but my heart was not in it. He tells me that He loves me but I am rebellious, my heart is hard and that I only do what is convenient to me.
This conversation hit me hard because I had realized that the problem was me. It was not those around me, it was not God, it was me. I allowed my mind to fill itself with so many negative things that I really had no room for and it started slowly killing my spiritual life.
Today, I want to remind you that God has not left your side. Sometimes, we make decisions and choices where God steps back to give us our space until we realize that we were in the wrong. He will not force Himself and His plan onto you. He is a perfect gentleman and only works with a willing heart. Take a moment today, to sit down and reflect on yourself. Reflect on what could be done better and how you can please God better that what you have recently been doing.
God wants to bless us all, but we need to do our part in living fully for Him!
Cynthia Enid Cano.